State of the Union - what we think about the USA.

So, while you're battling swine flu and drab bank holiday weather back home (so I hear anyway - I'm sunning myself in Barbados personally), I thought I'd sum up some observations we've had about the USA. Some good, some bad, some just... bizarre.

Fatness - I think a lot of Americans get a bad press when it comes to their weight. In California and Miami especially, it appears the average person is struggling to put food near their mouth. However, it's when you go the touristy areas, that you start to see the Americans from the middle of the country - and boy, some of those people are monstrous. When your footsteps register on the Richter scale and the Ordinance Survey people ask if you're officially a hill or a mountain, it's time to put down that last twinkie. And while we're at it...

Huge bums - Not a day goes by without Liz pointing out a ridiculously disproportionally huge backside. Now I may sound like the kettle telling the pot he has a big arse, but my derriere is like a pimple next to these things. Some of the women possessing them (and this is a purely female phenomenon for some reason) have normal, well-proportioned top halves, but then you look down... God knows how they buy jeans.

Free Refills - One of the best things about American restaurants is the soda fountain. 3 dollars is a lot for a coke, but it's not bad for unlimited glasses of said drink. And the waiting staff aren't stingy about refilling either - sometimes I've barely had a sip before they're bringing out another drink. Remember this next time Pizza Express charge you four quid for a half pint of ice topped up with some coke out of a tap.

Tattoos - Every American has a tattoo. You see a middle-aged, mousy librarian from Kansas, and - WHOA, there's a topless biker spearing a dragon on her ankle.

Smoke Shops - As far as I know, marijuana is illegal in every US state. But every city we visited had a 'smoke shop', where they offer bongs, lighters, pipes, 'Take Me To Your Dealer' posters and equipment which I have no idea how it's related to weed.

Homelessness - This is a huge problem. Apparently the US government allowed many of their mental institutions to be closed down, and the patients to be discarded to the streets. And it shows. It's way too common to see men shouting to themselves or to be asked for money by beggars - it's about time the authorities stepped in and helped these people out.

Candy - Every chocolate bar must have nuts or peanut butter in, or both. I think it's a legal requirement.

Tourists taking photos - I am very aware we are tourists, and we took photos of things that the locals wouldn't bother. But we are not in the same league as some tourists. First, the Oriental visitors take it to a whole new level. Most of them seem to take photos of anything. "Look, we must get a snap of this Health and Safety notice for the guys back home!" There were times they asked me to take photos of them in front of something, and I had absolutely no idea what the something was.

Also, what's up with tourists taking photos of things that they're not even looking at with their eyes? We queued for a ridiculously long time to see the Constitution, and when we get to the front, people are just taking photos of it and walking away. They didn't even pause to attempt to read it. And what's with people posing in front of inappropriate things? There's nothing like going to the National WWII memorial, standing in front of it and flashing a cheesy smile. And I don't think the soldier statues at the Korean War Memorial were meant for people to put their arms around and yell 'CHEESE'!

Grocery Shopping - On the few occasions we went to a supermarket (by the way, they still have Safeway over there), they often bag your shopping for you in paper bags. This is surely the solution to our plastic bag issue bag home. Completely recyclable, more durable than plastic and still cheap to produce.

Traffic - It's a much better system for crossing the road in the US - cars can turn if there are no pedestrians, but must wait if there are pedestrians. Simple.

ATM Fees - $3 to withdraw cash from another bank's machine? Oh, do p*ss off.

Public Toilets - Everything is automatic. You needn't touch anything but your own genitals throughout the whole toilet experience. A toilet seat cover is automatically dispensed so your buttocks do not have to touch where other buttocks have sweated before. When you have done your business, an infra red sensor flushes it for you. You put your hand underneath the tap and soap dispenser, and voila! You don't even have to touch anything to get a paper towel. Beats giving the attendant in London club toilets a quid for him to pass you a tissue and sing 'Freshen up for the punani'.

Tipping - As mentioned in a previous blog entry, tipping has gone too far here. You only give a waiter 10% if he has given you poor service - surely it should be 0%?! And bartenders get a dollar tip for opening a beer bottle?! Even worse is when you find out that every time a waitress gets you a drink in a restaurant, they must tip the bartender a dollar themselves out of their own money, in the hope that you give them enough of a tip to make up for it. Oh, and they get taxed on their earnings, based on getting 15% tips, whether they got them or not. However, the customer service is tip top, as the staff really do try and earn their tips for the most part.

Presidents - It seems pretty much everyone (apart from the news channels and people in Texas) are happy about Barack Obama, and everyone claims they didn't vote for George W Bush. Some of them must have...

Food - I love the food here - lots of meat, bread and sauces. Mexican quesadillas, pulled pork, pancakes, burgers, shakes, BBQ, gumbo, pizza, etc. However, they cannot do bacon. It's too streaky, hard and tastes wrong. I'm loathe to say this, but get me some 'proper' bacon when I get home!

That's all I can think of right now. Please feel free to comment below on anything you agree/disagree with. Other than that, it's just two more nights (one spent on a plane) before our adventure ends. We're lucky enough to spend it here in lovely Barbados, as Liz's uncle Robin has kindly invited us to stay at his home. It's a tough life of sailing, sunbathing and swimming, but someone has to do it.

I hope you've been enjoying the blog and I'm glad people have actually been reading it. We're looking forward to seeing you all when we get back, and please remember our birthdays took place while we were away, and it's not too late to get us a present...

MIami Twice.

Just wanted to finish off posting about Miami, and more specifically, Key Largo. The only coral reef in the US can be found in the Florida Keys, so we booked ourselves in for a snorkelling session. You see the amazing brightly coloured fish, get up close to the strange living-but-not-living coral itself, and it's another chance to wear a skin-tight wetsuit.

You may be wondering - why are there no photos of these amazing sights? Well, the main reason for that is after our first snorkelling dive, we spent the rest of the time vomiting. It was a choppy day on those waves, and our complexion soon resembled that of seaweed. Luckily, Elizabeth still managed to get up close to those fishies, as they quickly came to feed on the vomit she had deposited over the side of the boat. One Fisher's sick is another fish's dinner.

As for the rest of our time there, we sampled the lovely Mexican and Italian food of Espanola Way, frequented the bars of Washington Avenue (if you're in town, check out Automatic Slims with its kitsch 50s style American decor, and Playwright, for a somewhat authentic Irish pub), the shopping on Ocean Drive and Lincoln Avenue, and sunbathed with the topless women and men wearing Stars and Stripes speedos on Miami Beach.

We're going to Miami, oh ey ye oh yami yami

We arrived in Miami to a thunderstorm but we needn't have worried, it's not called the Sunshine State for nothing. The beach is amazing - white sand, clear water and a disproportionate amount of fake breasts. This really is a home for poseurs - whether it's the stores full of diamante-studded clothing, wearing ridiculously high heels during the day or carrying little snappy dogs (men and women).

In our first couple of days, we've visited Little Havana, home of the Cuban population here. I'm not sure what their former leader would make of the 'Burn in Hell Fidel' hot sauce on sale there. The fried rice and plantains are delicious though, and you don't have far to go to find huge cigars (I'm not convinced they were rolled on the thighs of a virgin; maybe by the sweaty guys playing dominoes in the store?).

We also took a trip to the Everglades; more specifically Gator Park. After a trip on the famous Airboats (just like Del Boy and Rodney did in the 'Miami Twice' episode) where you get up close to the birds and even gators, we got even closer to the alligators when we sat in the front row of their 'wildlife show'. A mad pirate guy dragged a slimy baby gator all over Elizabeth's face - she was ecstatic of course. After showing us how to wrestle a full size gator as well as his huge snapping jaws in action, we got the chance to hold a gator in our arms - unfortunately the photos are on Liz's camera, so you'll have to wait until we get home to see us reluctantly touching the cold soggy skin of one of nature's great predators...

The famous Miami nightlife has also been sampled when we went to its oldest bar - Mac's Club Deuce Bar. Shooting some pool over a couple of cold beers seemed inocuous enough; but it all changed when we sat at the bar. What I thought was a friendly gay couple starting some small talk quickly became what I would call slightly mental. The well-groomed tanned white guy in the vest joined us and told us how much he loved Britain, especially the Pet Shop Boys and Kylie Minogue. He then revealed his girlfriend and mother of his two sons died in a car accident a month ago and he was here to get over it. We also found out they had split a few months before that as he thought he might be gay. Heavy going to say the least, and we obviously felt sorry for him.

Then the black guy he was previously sitting with introduced himself as a local Miami TV personality and showed us a photo of his young son. It was this point that the white guy (I can't remember their names right now) whispered to us he thinks this black guy is gay and that he didn't want to have bum sex with him. So this black guy who has heard the white guy's story wants to keep him company and make sure he's ok, while the white guy is shouting he doesn't want bum sex with him. Oh, and asking a friendly middle-aged woman at the bar whether she's a tranny, while fondling her friend's breasts.

I hope they all survived the night but I have no idea as we scarpered the first time they were distracted.

Restaurants, Rapids and Rollercoasters.

A flight down to Florida and we're in Orlando - well, technically outside of the city as we stayed in Theme Park Central: International Drive. If you like all-you-can-eat buffets, people dressed as cartoon characters and queueing for half an hour for a minute-long thrill, you're in the right place. Luckily these are things I enjoy.

My favourite day was of course my birthday - April 16th if you need to update your diary for next year. The lovely Liz woke me up with great presents, cards from my family (which was a nice surprise) and a chocolate muffin with candles in it. It was then time to complete over 15 years of waiting: finally I could go to a waterpark. Since I visited one as a child, I have been desperate to go again - and I got my chance at 'Wet n Wild'. It lived up to expectations; I got to enjoy Elizabeth's screams on the Black Hole, surfed the wave pool and took on the near-vertical Bomb Bay slide. It's pretty scary falling through a trap door onto a 100 foot steep slope. Luckily I was rewarded with a Chicago deep dish pizza for my birthday dinner...

As for the rest of our week, you probably already know if you would like Orlando or not. Universal's speciality is the attraction/show, like the amazing Simpsons ride (which feels like you're on a wild coaster but you actually stay in one room) and fun Fear Factor Live show. Islands of Adventure is best for rides like the Popeye rapids and Dudley-Do-Right falls which soaked us so much we might as well have been at the waterpark and the Incredible Hulk coaster with its 360 turns and high speeds. What made it even better was Liz keeping her eyes open and refraining from just counting how long the ride lasts. Seaworld is a weird mix of rides and wildlife - seeing killer whales leap out of the water in synchronised movement and the chance to get close to polar bears, beluga whales and manatees is unique. Aquatica gave me the chance to go to another waterpark; while less extreme, it was probably more fun than Wet n Wild with plenty of group rides.

Other than that - there's more 'British pubs' here than in your local high street, more Northerners than you can shake a deep-fried Mars bar at and more buffets than you can throw up at. Incidentally, some buffets have been renamed all-you-care-to-eat buffets, presumably because all-you-can-eat sounds like a challenge. And believe me, we've seen a few people who have taken that challenge.

A&E in DC

We're off to Orlando tomorrow for theme park mecca so here's a quick blog entry on the nation's capital. First off, we're in a dorm again in a very strange hostel. Most of these places are full of young backpackers travelling around like us. The major demographic here is old people (and I mean elderly) and the French. We shared our dorm on the first night with an ample-bottomed French girl (on a side note, we have seen some huge arses here. Some normal sized women have backsides so large I worry that if they sit down, they may never get up again due to rolling. Oh, and I do realise this is the kettle calling the pot fat-arsed). Anyway, Mademoiselle Derriere came in at 3am and turned on the light for ten minutes. Typical. But the weirdest person here is an old man in braces who talks to himself in a variety of different languages. There's nothing about getting the fear from a hairy-backed ogre when he's in the shower at the same time. Anyway, DC is the home of monuments and museums - we've seen the White House, Capitol, some moving war memorials, Colin Powell giving a speech, the Lincoln/FDR/Jefferson monuments, Kermit the frog, Muhammed Ali's Rumble in the Jungle gloves, the Apollo module that took Armstrong, Aldrin and the other one to the Moon, the original Constitution, the fastest plane ever, the Star Spangled Banner, a buffalo sandwich and the Wright brothers' original flyer. But that old hairy bloke in the braces will stay with me forever.

ADRIAN!

Aaron back on blogging duty here. Next up was Philadelphia, where we spent 2 nights in a dorm for the first time. Now Philly is of course the birthplace of the United States (and the Fresh Prince) so did we check out the history as soon as we got there? No, we went to the Museum of Art to run up the steps like Rocky. They even have his statue from Rocky 3 at the bottom. By the way, we weren't the only ones - in fact, there were probably 100 people doing it while we were there, and about 1 who actually wanted to look at art. That night, we went on a fun pub crawl with other hostel guests. All nationalities mixing through the international language of alcohol (although the drinking games were hard to explain without a translator)... A couple of hours of sleep later and we decided to see the sights such as the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. Unfortunately our guide was duller than James Blunt, Katie Melua and Snow Patrol put together. After he declared he'd been doing his job for 30 years, the crowd applauded; I'm sure it was because they were amazed he hadn't been sacked. In the evening, we sampled the infamous Philly Cheesesteak in Jim's Steaks. Dripping in gooey cheese, full of greasy meat, packed into a bun - an artery-blocking masterpiece of a dish. We then checked out a cool bar called Raven Lounge where we played Connect 4 over a few beers (if Kanye West does it, so can we) before going to Helium Comedy Club. After some top support acts, we got the chance to see JB Smoove, best known for his role as Leon in Curb Your Enthusiasm's Black family. Although he didn't threaten to 'get up in anyone's ass', it was definitely an experience...

New York, New York (Part 3)

After such good weather, we were back to the rain that seems to have followed us from Britain and inflict itself on us every few days! So we decide to stroll down 5th Avenue for a bit of window shopping, and spend way too long drooling over the new iPhones. Afterwards we headed to a comedy night at Crash Mansion on the lower East side, which featured some great musical comedians (musicedians?). We also checked out Brooklyn Bridge, went shopping in South Street Seaport and had great wonton soup in Chinatown's Bo Ky, which looked like the kind of place the old man from Gremlins would frequent. On our last day, we queued for hours to visit the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island - although it was well worth the wait. The view from Liberty Island of the Manhattan skyline is great and Ellis Island is pretty interesting, especially if you can trace your roots. We also checked out the World Trade Center site, which currently looks like a building site but the Freedom Tower and memorial plans look very impressive. All in all, I don't feel we did half the things we wanted to do in NY but that's the beauty of it - there's always our next trip...

New York, New York (Part 2)

Sunday was so sunny, so we spent the day strolling around Central Park. Aaron got his revenge from our last Checkers game in a game longer than time itself, as we joined the old men at the tables. We also went for a ramble through the woods and took in the great view from the top of Belvedere Castle. A bus ride up the upper east side and we were enjoying a huge milkshake in Tom's Restaurant, which is the coffee shop in my new favourite show Seinfeld! As the day was so clear, we went to the 'top of the rock', i.e. the Rockefeller Center, to get the best view of New York. It was fantastic, Empire State Building looked massive (although I was disappointed no gorillas were climbing it that day) and you could see for miles! Oh, and the funniest thing happened, some guy trying to sell us stuff genuinely thought Aaron was my father! Now either I look 12 or Aaron looks 50! And do other people see us and think my 'father' is rather too touchy-feely with me?! After that, we were lucky enough to go to eat at Lombardi's, the oldest pizza place in NY. And it tastes the best too...

New York, New York (Part 1)

Despite the name at the bottom of the entry, this is written by Liz: I LOVE New York! I love the fact that you can do anything and everything any time, day or night. A bit like London, I like the mix of old and new buildings, and everywhere you walk feels like a film set. That said, the reputation of New Yorkers being a teensy bit brash seems to be true - as evidenced by the dragon our hostel employed as a receptionist. Anyway, our hostel was in a great location to get around Manhattan - Chelsea, not only the name of a horrible football team but a neighbourhood gayer than Julian Clary sitting on a Christmas tree. Anyway, on the first day, we couldn't check in until the afternoon so Aaron managed to watch his football in a pub called Nevada Smith's, home to the New York branch of Arsenal America. It was the randomest bunch of people - some American male cheerleaders who lead every Arsenal song (but don't know who Liam Brady is), British lads who look like extras from 'This Is England' and one poor Man City fan on holiday. After non-stop chanting and pints of Guinness at ten in the morning (after failing to sleep on the Megabus), we headed to the famous Katz Deli which is where Harry Met Sally for some delicious chicken noodle soup! Times Square is the equivalent of Leicester Square, although 10 times bigger and with a million more photosnapping tourists - we tried to avoid it for the rest of our stay...

The Falls Came Tumbling Down...

We're just about to leave New York so here's a quick blog entry about Niagara Falls as I try to catch up. If you're thinking of going there anytime soon, don't. It's only worthwhile going in summer when things are actually open. Also on the American side, there's nothing to do and not much more other than gaudy tourist holes on the Canadian side. While I'm at it, the Falls themselves aren't that amazing. Impressive sure, but after seeing the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, etc., we were expecting something bigger. Maybe we've been spoilt on this trip. The rainbow coming out of the Falls is a nice touch though. Anyway, we spent the evening in Buffalo eating their famed chicken wings before another overnight bus to New York - which is great of course, and we'll write about it next time...

I almost forgot...

By the way, we went from sweltering heat in the South to this in Chicago. It's pretty cold there, although not that windy.

Sweet Home Chicago.

10 hours overnight on a Megabus is no way to start a week in Chicago - but it's so great there it didn't matter. We celebrated Elizabeth's birthday while there - we started at the Shedd Aquarium, which has a coral reef, sharks, kids shouting 'look, it's Nemo!' and some strange creatures I'd never seen before. We then got amazing views of the city at the John Hancock Center before we went to see the world-famous Second City comedy show (where Bill Murray, John Belushi, Steve Carrell and Tina Fey started). We saw some great sketches as well as amazing improv - look out for Tim Robinson in 5 years time! While in Chi-Town, we also saw the T-Rex at the Natural History Museum, ate 'cheezborgers' at the Billy Goat Tavern, induced heart disease eating deep dish pizza pie at Giordiano's and found the silver bean sculpture in the park Barack Obama celebrated being made president. But before we left, we went to watch The Jerry Springer Show live. As you can see above, we met the show's on-stage security guard - unfortunately the old security guy Steve has left to host his own show, counselling the victims of domestic abuse. Anyway, it's even more bizarre in real life - we were sat next to a mannerquin with a rotating head, and constantly wondering (hoping?) that these people were actors. All the regulars were there- hillbillies getting drunk on moonshine, a woman's wig getting pulled off and plenty of fights. And at the end, a fat guy with a pair of E cups ran onto the stage and showed us his ass. So he could win some beads. Only in America folks.

Walking in Memphis.

Unfortunately, we've had no internet access for a while, and even here I have to write this on my tiny mobile phone, so it shall be short! Anyway, we went to the home of Rock n Roll - Memphis, Tennessee - and saw Graceland. We have a whole new appreciation for Elvis' music - if not his decor. The 'Jungle Room' has green shag-pile on the ceiling and he has his own logo on the walls. He even has two planes! We also went to the great Stax museum, where we saw Issac Hayes' gold Cadillac and we've been listening to Otis Redding ever since. We even saw the site of Martin Luther King's assassination at the National Civil Rights Museum, listened to live Blues and tasted delicious pulled pork before our 10 hour overnight journey to Chicago...

N'Awlins...

It's our last day in New Orleans - and it's been somewhat of a blur. They're not lying when they see it's a party town. My sore head and emptier wallet attests to that. Bourbon Street is one long pub basically, where the 'Hand Grenade' and the 'Hurricane' compete for yard-long cocktail supremacy (personally I prefer the Hurricane). Our first night in town was supposed to be a quiet one, just a couple of beers in Pat O'Briens after dinner. That all changed when Al joined us.

Al is a podgy, middle-aged 'wacky' guy, who was wearing beads, holding a cocktail and shouting "Woo hoo!" a lot. He asked if there was room at our table for two crazy guys and two hot girls, and being polite Brits, we said there was. We were joined by one 'crazy' guy, one fairly drunk guy, one hot girl and a rather large lady. Over the next half an hour, we found out Al had met this larger lady on the internet, she had sent him nude photos, and this was their first date. They had hooked up with this other couple during the night, and we were fortunate enough for the woman to show us her new fake breasts, which were a present from her boyfriend. Al was encouraging us to join them all for some kind of party back at his, which I believe may have had sexual connotations (the phrase "wild animal sex" led me to believe this).

The other couple and their fake breasts made a quick exit and we needed an escape route; little did we know it would come in the form of projectile vomit. After a minute of talking amongst ourselves, we looked over to see Al patting his date with ice, as she was sweating profusely. I simply put this down to her size; but the sight of her throwing up all over her own ample bosom, as well as our table changed my mind. Suffice to say, Al took her home at this point - well, back to his home. There was still some wild animal sex to be had.

In other news, Liz took me on a very interesting walking tour of the French Quarter and we rode the only existing steam-powered paddlewheeler on the Missisippi, Steamboat Natchez. We've tasted gumbo (tasty), jamalaya (also tasty), po boys (soggy and meaty), beignets (lovely french doughnuts in powdered sugar) and real southern fried chicken (it's not quite the same as KFC). We've been in our first Walmart, where you can pick up your groceries as well as fishing rods and rifles. There are beads literally everywhere as well as live music, whether it's brass bands in the street, mini-orchestras on the riverfront, or cool blues bands playing in the bars. And we even saw a street wedding, complete with trumpeters marching them through the cobbled streets...

Outside the French Quarter, it's a different story; our local convenience store resembled a scene from The Wire (the oriental storeowner shouting at her customers, a group of drunks attempting to get 'credit' to buy alcohol, while a man pushes scrap metal around in a shopping trolley outside). The pavements are broken all over the place and many of the amazing grandiose Southern houses have been neglected, presumably after flood damage. It's a beautiful city, but it needs some help to reclaim former glories.

It's off to Memphis, Tennessee tomorrow on our first Amtrak - it will take the entire day so we will have to wait a while for another blog entry - unless you want to hear what we listened to on our iPod...

Happy Mothers Day

Hello Mummies, we wanted to give you a personal message on the day that honours mums everywhere- hope you have a lovely day... Aaron and Biloo

Yee-ha!

Howdy y'all

We have just left Texas, and it's been quite a week in the heart of the US of A. Very unlike the west coast, but it almost feels 'more' American.

We left San Diego's lovely sunny climate to arrive in San Antonio - and cold, rainy weather. Not very Texas you might think, and you'd be right. It was their first rain in 9 months or so and it was 'much-needed' according to the cabbie - not by us though! Things quickly heated up with our Mexican food in Pico de Gallo, accompanied by a Mariachi band...

The next day, it was still rainy and cold, but we remembered to see the Alamo. Davy Crockett really is a hero there, they display everything from his gun to his toothbrush. We then watched them dye the Riverwalk green to celebrate St Patricks Day - before we did the same. A few Guinnesses and green beers later, we joined in the sing-song in the Irish piano pub Durty Nelly's and thought we'd check out the Mad Dogs 'British Pub'. Red phoneboxes, a clock displaying the time in Glasgow and waitresses in very short tartan skirts made us feel we were at home in London. The drunk girl who insisted on grinding all over Elizabeth was our cue to go back to our motel...

By the way, men in San Antonio all have two things in common - they all have moustaches, and they all wear cowboy hats and boots without irony.

After another day in the Mexican Market Square and more Riverwalk-based drinking, it was time to go to the Mayan Dude Ranch in Bandera - and become a cowboy! As soon as Greg (one of the very friendly 53 members of the Hicks family who run the ranch) dropped us at the ranch, we were climbing onto horses and trotting around the grounds. I must add I was worried about riding a horse - they're a lot bigger than me and who really knows whether they enjoy carrying people on their backs?

Anyway, the sun came out in a big way and we had a great time there - whether it was sitting on a longhorn (that's a type of bull, not sexual innuendo), shooting BB guns, Liz thrashing me at ping pong or enjoying the complimentary beers in the saloon. We even had our own little cabin with saloon doors - it's just a shame we were woken up at 4.30am by a bloody rooster!

Me walkin' like John Wayne after riding my horsey...

It was then time to get the Greyhound to Austin - and our Super 8 motel. On Interstate 5, junction 237B. Yes, we were out in the sticks a bit with just a motorway and other motels for company. Luckily, we found out the next day, it was 2o minutes to get downtown...

As well as sunning ourselves in temperatures that would signify a heatwave in Britain, and looking around the very interesting Bob Bullock Story of Texas museum (really, it was very interesting, trust me - there was stuff about cowboys and indians, civil wars, all sorts) and the Texas State Capitol, we were lucky enough to time our visit with the SXSW music festival. The city's unoffical motto is 'Keep Austin Weird' and this festival did that.

Japanese soft rockers, a man with a snake, bands spontaneously performing in the street, two men with signs offering free hugs and not a single functioning toilet were just some of the sights on E 6th Street this week. As well as hopping in and out of bars, we caught a cool Canadian band called The Nods, a hip hop fusion outfit called Mike Truth and the Replacement Killers, ex-WWE Women's Champion Lita's band The Luchagors and one of the worst metal bands ever to perform.

Anyway, after a week full of Lone Star Beer and gun slingin', we left Austin - and even saw Mark Henry, the World's Strongest Man, at the airport. But he looked too mean to say hello to, so we just sat behind him in the sports bar looking at his arms... And now we're in New Orleans - and we'll be sure to let you know what happens on the infamous Bourbon Street...

Don't Mess With Texas.

Hey

Apologies for lack of posting but we've had limited net access in good ol' Texas. Hopefully I'll do a full post tomorrow telling you all about celebrating St Patricks Day in San Antonio, riding horses on the ranch in Bandera and checking out the bands at Austin's SXSW festival. Which I'm about to do now! See you later...

Luck of the Oirish.

Happy St Patricks Day weekend from Aaron and Elizabeth

It rains on the plains.

The sun blessed us in Vegas, LA and San Diego, but it's back to rain in San Antonio! Just a quick note to say we've arrived and enjoyed a proper Mexican meal accompanied by Mariachi music and broken English. That was before our first night staying in an American motel, which is actually quite nice surprisingly. Off to the Alamo now...

6-1-9!

Just a quick note to say San Diego is a great place to visit - and I'd actually consider living here. If you do come here, make sure you visit La Jolla ('The Jewel' in Spanish) as Liz mentioned, and the brilliant San Diego Zoo, where we saw lions and tigers and bears... oh my! Also, elephants, rhinos, hippos and all sorts of monkeys...

The Gaslamp Quarter has good nightlife while not being too scuzzy - despite the amount of college girls arguing unable to 'hold their liquor'. Check out Sammy's Woodfired Pizzas if you're in town.

We also looked around the old mission settlement in San Diego's Old Town, seeing for ourselves how such a big city had such humble beginnings. There's also a few Mexican restaurants where you can eat way too much rather quickly.

And it was good to see the mighty Gunners stumble past Roma to get to the next round, as well as enjoy an English breakfast in a pub called The Shakespeare - where you can eat 'proper' bacon and Liz enjoyed a 'proper' cup of tea!

Anyway, we may have no internet access for the next week or so as we're off to Texas, where hostels apparently don't exist! But they do have horses, which apparently I must learn to ride! See you in 8 days!!!

A crackwhore and a kayak!

Well this is the first blog from me (Elizabeth) so here goes..

In San Diego at the moment and we decided to explore a bit more and hop on a bus to La Jolla. Firstly, I have to mention the fact that every bus we have been on seems to also have the weirdest people in American society on too - we've had transvestites, mental old people, people who think taking a wash is a crime and our favourite..a crackwhore.

This particular crackwhore shared our journey to la Jolla and she kindly decided to brush past Aaron leaving a chalky residue on his shorts and sit in the seat behind us whilst sniffing constantly and looking as if she might at any moment throw up on our heads - oh she also smelt like a B.O. ridden rodent! After some stealth-like acting from Aaron we switched seats so we could breath through our noses again and get a better view of the crackwhore picking her scabs and our fellow passengers all with their hands to their noses!

Anyways back to kayaking..Two things we have realised about ourselves is 1. We are idiots. and 2. we have more faith in our kayaking abilities than is sensible. The Reason we are idiots is that both of us thought that we wouldn't get wet whilst kayaking - in fact we even thought that we could take our cameras and phones with us and not a drop of water would get on them..we were wrong..

As for our kayaking abilities we couldn't even get on the kayak without a wave coming and tipping us and the kayak over - 15 attempts and too many knocks on the head later we were both in and happily heading towards the caves. Unfortunately it wasn't long before a huge wave came and I was surfing along it all the way to shore until it knocked me off and I was back to the start!

Anyway we soon mastered it and were off to the caves which are amazing and the amount of sea lions and seals sitting on the rocks is incredible. The big beaked birds however were flying a bit too close to us for my liking but were still a pretty amazing sight as there were so many of them!

Despite being a bit battered kayaking was so much fun and La Jolla is one of the prettiest places we have been to so far. Also both of us trying to get onto the kayak is one of the funniest things we have done..although we do still have horse riding next week so it could be a contender..

Follow our blog.

By the way, it would be great if everyone reading this could also 'follow'' the blog - just scroll down looking at the right hand side and see where it says 'Followers'. If you have a gmail account, it's really easy to do this, and it means my friend Nath won't be the only loner doing it.

At Home With The Maddens.

While in LA, we also got the opportunity to spend the day with my step-grandmother Carol's daughter Leah and her family. By the way, doesn't 'step-grandmother' sound like a sinister fairy-tale character? She isn't, by the way.

Anyway, Leah and her husband Andy (who does a spot-on impression of my Grandad John) were kind enough to show us the sights of their home of Long Beach, as well as parts of the O.C. (allowing me to fulfil the dreams of my friend Dave Finnigan, who always thought I was the Ryan Atwood to Jim Reid's Sandy Cohen). I feel I'm getting distracted again.

They showed us around 'Surf City'- Huntington Beach, before showering us with much-appreciated home comforts: homecooked food and La-Z-Boy reclining armchairs. We also got the chance to meet their sons Jack and Vince, who are so cute I think Liz wanted to take them with us! I've tried to convince her that my brother and I looked quite similar at their age, but I'm not sure she believes such a hairy, beer-bellied beast could ever be so cute... But there's proof:

I'd like to thank Leah and Andy again for driving us around and looking after us so nicely - oh, and for telling us that story about the strip club...

La-La Land.

We're in San Diego now, but thought we'd tell you a little about our time in LA. We stayed at Banana Bungalow Hollywood, with the Walk of Fame literally on our doorstep. This has been the nicest hostel we've stayed at, with a big room, fridge, microwave, cable TV, own bathroom - all the luxuries we've missed on our travels. Oh, and it was clean.

Anyway, we were just down the road from the famous Grauman's Chinese Theatre - my hand twin is Jack Nicholson, while Liz's was Doris Day, as you can see in the photo. Quite a couple. Hollywood is a little run down and full of 'smoke shops'and tattoo parlours (how many bongs could you possibly need?), but there are some cool costume emporiums, if you wanted to impress at a fancy dress party.

LA in general is a little difficult - everyone drives their car everywhere, and seem to spend their entire lives in traffic. We relied on the buses, which were ok when we knew where we were going, but it takes forever to get from one location to another. However, Santa Monica and Venice Beaches are well worth the journey.

While Santa Monica is a nice place to enjoy the view from the world's only solar-powered Ferris Wheel and relax, Venice is Freak Central and all the better for it. In our short time there, we saw a moving statue guy row with a grown woman with her nipples showing (and her young son), the most argumentative basketball game ever (between friends), a freak museum which got Elizabeth excited ultimately to leave her feeling quite disgusted (she was enticed by a two-headed turtle) and what appeared to be a spontaneous psychadelic dance circle. I'm pretty sure they all had horrible hairy sex with each other later.

San Francisco Gooners...

By the way, if you're ever in San Francisco, check out http://sfgooner.com/ and join them for a match and a Guinness at 7am in the morning - that's why I look rough - promise!

Mark (who runs the group) and his bunch are very welcoming and it was a fun morning, even if the result wasn't so great... I even got a SF Gooner sticker!

The Vegas.

Everything you hear about Vegas is true. Zoo-size buffets, an army of guys shoving stripper/call girl cards in your hands, fat middle-aged women sitting with their bucket of pennies stuffing them into the slots.

But what great fun! Elizabeth spent the entire time saying "I love Vegas", apart from when we were sipping Mojitos at half 11 in the morning or playing our own unique Blackjack strategy.

I would thoroughly recommend the value-for-money $15 Tropicana buffet, as long as you enjoy looking around the sea of caps on middle-aged men's heads and women with missing teeth (NASCAR was in town). ESPN Zone (in NY-NY) is amazing - we watched the Arsenal v Roma game in our own touch-screen booth while munching HUGE mountains of meat. The Bellagio Fountains and Mirage Volcano are great spectacles (the different musical arrangements of the Fountains mean you can stand for an hour enjoying the view). Paris and New York-New York are fun casinos with typically Vegas exteriors.

Our most 'Vegas' night was thanks to our friend Raj, who is living in Vegas at the moment. He treated us to a lovely meal in the Italian restaurant in NY-NY - two bottles of Chianti later, we visit the Coyote Ugly bar, which is just like the film apparently.

Attractive yet mouthy young ladies insult the men and pour shots into the women's mouths, as long as they're prepared to get up on the bar and dance. A certain Ms Fisher was invited up to dance, although no photographic proof exists of her freestyling - anyone who has witnessed Elizabeth's rhythmic skills knows this was a must-see event.

We then staggered back to the infamous Hooter's Casino Hotel - Liz crept up to bed, while several sheets to the wind I bluffed hands on poker and played the naive beginner - doubling my money while Raj chatted up the two buxom blondes in our game (not Hooters girls unfortunately). Unfortunately I lost some of it on Blackjack but Raj cleaned up - and we dragged our tired bodies to bed, unaware that it was half 6 in the morning.

I have no idea whether Raj made it to his 3pm meeting or whether he called the buxom blondes - maybe you could leave a comment here mate?

This Canyon is Grand.

Immense. I've never seen anything like it.

Will just say: I'd love to raft the Colorado River one day. And check out the IMAX movie if you visit yourself.

One eight hour Greyhound ride later...

...and we're in Hollywood. By the way, Greyhounds - good for Liz's people watching, terrible for people with large bums.

I'm afraid we had no internet access while in Vegas, so no blogging. However, we hope to tell you all about the Vegas and the Grand Canyon later today...

Escape from Alcatraz.

Before I tell you about Alcatraz, I'll just quickly fill you in on some other stuff we've been up to. We saw Milk, which is easily one of the best films I've seen this year (we both may have shed a tear for Harvey), and was great to see San Francisco on film while we were there to explore it. Hence, we looked around the Castro, which seems to be less about political activism now and more about eateries called the Sausage Factory and jewellery stores named Rock Hard. We looked around the Mission, which as well as being home to most of the Hispanic citizens, also seems to be where the homeless women hang out (by the way, there are a lot of homeless people here. I've never seen as many as I did in Vancouver, but this is close competition). We also visited around the Museum of Cartoon Art in SoMa, which included a very cool Watchmen exhibition, including a lifesize Rorshach statue. We joined every other tourist taking highly original photos of the Haight-Ashbury sign and even rode the famous Cable Car down Nob Hill (tee hee).

Then on Saturday, we looked around Fisherman's Wharf and the piers, which is a tourist tackfest, but Musee Mechanique and the Sea Lions on Pier 39 are worth a look. Then it was time for the Alcatraz night tour; I would definitely recommend taking the night tour over the slightly cheaper day tour - you get a great audio tour, plus loads of interesting talks and programmes. Unfortunately my view of the island from the boat was slightly obstructed, as you can see below.

Anyway, if you go to San Francisco, make sure you go to Alcatraz. Learn about Al Capone and the Birdman, see how tiny their cells were, find out why the American Indians 'invaded' it in the late 60s and step inside a solitary consignment cell to feel what that is like...

Afterwards, we went for dinner in Hooters (I promise this was Liz's idea). All I will say is I can't wait to stay in a Hooters hotel on Monday in Las Vegas!!! Hopefully I can post on the blog from Vegas more often, although I'm not sure if we have internet access at the hotel. Plus they do say what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...

Aaron

I biked the Golden Gate Bridge and all I got was this lousy band-aid.

So after enjoying a 6 mile cycle ride seeing the sights of Vancouver's Stanley Park, we couldn't wait to get pedalling again. We planned our route through the Presidio, across the Golden Gate Bridge and back, before making our way back via Golden Gate Park. We knew this was around 26 miles long and may be a little hilly, but we were confident...

Of course, this is San Francisco, so it's very hilly. Very hilly. Which makes us very silly. There's nothing like seeing a Lance Armstrong lookalike speed past you when you're walking your bike up a slope. And then I fell off.

Elizabeth insists I post this photo up. We were crossing the bridge (which is pretty amazing by the way) and it's rather narrow in parts trying to pass pedestrians. As I've just gone past one couple, my foot seemed to slip off the pedal, my leg gets caught in the framework, and I'm done. I go down shoulder-first and I'm in agony at first. That pain is soon replaced by embarrassment as a group of macho workmen help me up and give me a plaster for the gashes that have opened up. Luckily I also have Nurse Fisher, who was very lovely looking after me.

After a much-needed rest, I rather bravely (if I do say so myself) fought through the pain and we went onwards with our mission. Secretly, I think Elizabeth was hoping I couldn't carry on. Hill after hill after hill. Seemingly nowhere in sight serving food and we only had a paltry Hershey's bar for sustenance. Sweating our way around the Japanese Tea Garden (made only slightly celebratory when a genuine Philly guy pointed out my Clubber Lang T-shirt to his kids). We thought it would never end.

But it did, and never have we deserved a huge Ghiradelli sundae more than we did that day. Of course, since then I have been forced to keep my ankle elevated all day in an effort to keep the swelling down. God knows what will happen when I have to ride a horse.

Aaron

Walk on the wild side.

Apologies for the lack of blogging recently, but the sun finally came out in San Francisco and we've been making the most of it! However, we will keep this updated as much as possible.

Anyway, to catch up - we took a tour to Napa and Sonoma valleys to quaff the local wines - from now on, expect me to swirl round any glass of wine for at least half an hour before I even think about tasting it. Fun day out and we even got chance to have lunch with two retired couples from Toronto - I felt like my friends San and Fran on one of their cruises... (By the way, I think San and Fran should have a child called Cisco - not because I'm a fan of The Thong Song, but because then their names would spell San-Fran-Cisco... genius.)

We went to a cool restaurant in Chinatown called House of Nanking, where they tell you what to order - and they're right to do so. Jamie Oliver had been in recently so we're in esteemed foodie company. Was also surprised to find out our waitress was a keen Top Gear fan - who would think James May would translate to SF's Chinatown?

And the pictures above are from Yosemite National Park - we were up at 5am to take the minibus to this amazing place. It may have been sunny down in SF, but we were soon trudging around the snowy peaks, staring at Half Dome and Yosemite Falls. The photos can't really do it justice (unless Ansel Adams took them, rather than me on my Sony Ericsson).

Aaron

Rain rain go away.

Apologies for lack of 'blogging' - we've had a busy couple of days in San Francisco. Proper entry on the way very soon, but you'll be pleased to hear the rain has finally died down after 3 days of solid downpour. You'd think us Brits would be used to rain, but this was something else... Anyway, posts on Wine Country, Yosemite, Milk and more on the way...

It never rains, it pours.

So we've been in San Francisco over a day now, and it's been non-stop rain. Constant heavy bloody rain. So while I play the O.C. theme tune over and over imagining sunnier times, we spent 8 hours getting drenched walking around Frisco's version of Westfield and Chinatown window shopping. We then climbed the heights of Coit Tower, which has an amazing view of the entire city. Unfortunately I don't have one good photo as it has been sooooo miserable. And I couldn't even find a bar showing Wwe No Way Out! So today's photo is from Capilano Suspension Bridge outside Vancouver - Liz may have been a little nervous crossing over, but it was amazing looking over the gorge and walking amongst the treetops. And beating me at draughts in her first game (don't ask why we were even playing). Anyway, tomorrow we're venturing into Napa Wine Country so crossed fingers it stops raining...

Tipping is clearly not just a city in China.

So tipping seems to be a big deal in Canada, and I hear it's much the same in the US. You have to give 15% to a waiter, unless they're really good they get 20%, or really bad, in which case you only give them 10%. You what?! Surely a bad waiter deserves no tip?

And bartenders get $20?! For serving a drink? Ridiculous. When I worked at the illustrious Red Lion in Egham, I didn't even get a tip for stopping fights.

As for paying the wages of poorly-recompensed waiting staff, is that not what the restaurant/bar should be doing?

Here's the views of Mr Pink in Reservoir Dogs, to back up my argument:

Vancouver.

Finally time to make a blog post from the home of our Commonwealth brothers, the Canadians. It's our last day here and we're nearly over our jetlag, just in time to leave. I've got a sore saddle seat from cycling 6 miles around the Stanley Park seawall, sauntered around the slightly disappointing Canada Place and Gastown, and got vertigo among the Douglas Firs at Capilano Suspension Bridge. I'd say Vancouver's definitely a place for fun outdoors activities rather than a typical city.

We've also been lucky enough to have our friend Maryann to show us around. Maz is studying make-up at the college here, which explains the rather strange photo above! Thankfully she didn't follow up on her threat to do a Carol Thatcher and black me up! Tonight she's going to take us out on the town for some signature 'fun and games' before we move on...

Tomorrow we take the plane to San Francisco so I better go find some flowers to put in my hair...

We're here!

Hi everyone! We arrived in Vancouver last night and I've finally managed to get my WiFi working. Thanks to the well-connected John Palser, we had a upgrade from BA - and my legs are very grateful! Anyway, just wanted to say we arrived... Now time for more sleep...

Things you Must Do in the USA

Right now, I cannot wait to start the trip - so I've come up with a list of things we should do while we're in the US. If you have any suggestions of your own, please post a comment underneath and we'll add it to the list...

Go to a rodeo
Climb the Rocky Steps
Eat a Chicago Deep Dish pizza
Watch live music in Austin
Find your identical hand twin in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre
Double down in Vegas
Take a photo in front of the Hollywood sign
Work out at Venice Beach
Ogle at a Hooters
Gasp at the Grand Canyon
Get wet at Wet ‘n’ Wild
Get wild at Spring Break in Miami
Gorge on a Vegas buffet
Chow down on real Texas BBQ
Take a photo in front of the Las Vegas sign
Ride like a cowboy at a Dude Ranch
Cruise on a Missisippi Steamboat
Visit the world famous San Diego Zoo
Watch Jerry Springer being filmed
Take a day trip to Mexico
Throw up at an Orlando theme park
Munch a Philly cheesesteak – and a pretzel
Take a San Francisco cable car
Take a trip to the White House
Take a Creole Friday Lunch in Galatoires, New Orleans
Hike around Yosemite National Park
Tour Graceland
Get sizzled in California Wine Country
Tap your toe to Memphis blues
Hover over the Everglades swamps
Stop a Sloppy Joe dripping on your shirt
Stumble around New Orleans French Quarter
Decide whether Lombardi's or Grimaldi's does the best NYC pizza
Stroll through Central Park
Cross the Golden Gate Bridge
Drink a short in a Texas saloon
Swallow down a chilli dog
Chug a cigar in Little Havana
Cross-country on the Amtrak train
Snorkel at Key Largo
Shoot a gun
Cheer on a college sports team
Order a burger, fries and milkshake in a diner
Be imprisoned in Alcatraz
Cheer on the gunners with a branch of Arsenal America
Be serenaded while consuming Tex Mex burritos and fajitas
Take a St Charles streetcar in New Orleans
Score a strike ten-pin bowling
Go to a Coney Island freak show
Whoop with the cinema crowd US-style
Laugh at the Second City and Groundlings comedy troupes
Enjoy tax free shopping in Philly
Fall asleep next to a hobo on the Greyhound bus
Go down to Chinatown in San Francisco
Listen to Bruce Springsteen as you ride down Route 66
Remember the Alamo
Celebrate St Patricks Day in an Irish dive bar
Enjoy Gospel Brunch in LA
Get the meat sweats at Katz Deli in NYC
Get splashed at Seaworld
Cheer on John Cena watching Wrestlemania in a NYC sports bar
Go to the top of the Sears Tower
Cross the border to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls
Keep out of the tank at Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium, the best in the US
Chow down on Soul Food in the Deep South
Lick your fingers after eating Buffalo wings in Buffalo

Welcome to the Blog...

Hello everyone

As we're days away from embarking on our travels, this is the blog we're planning on updating on the move. As true tourists, we'll be taking lots of photos and put them up on here, as well as short diary entries telling you about where we are. Anyway, it will be nice to hear from you so please leave comments under the posts for us to read...

See you all in 3 months!

Aaron and Elizabeth