We arrived in Miami to a thunderstorm but we needn't have worried, it's not called the Sunshine State for nothing. The beach is amazing - white sand, clear water and a disproportionate amount of fake breasts. This really is a home for poseurs - whether it's the stores full of diamante-studded clothing, wearing ridiculously high heels during the day or carrying little snappy dogs (men and women).
In our first couple of days, we've visited Little Havana, home of the Cuban population here. I'm not sure what their former leader would make of the 'Burn in Hell Fidel' hot sauce on sale there. The fried rice and plantains are delicious though, and you don't have far to go to find huge cigars (I'm not convinced they were rolled on the thighs of a virgin; maybe by the sweaty guys playing dominoes in the store?).
We also took a trip to the Everglades; more specifically Gator Park. After a trip on the famous Airboats (just like Del Boy and Rodney did in the 'Miami Twice' episode) where you get up close to the birds and even gators, we got even closer to the alligators when we sat in the front row of their 'wildlife show'. A mad pirate guy dragged a slimy baby gator all over Elizabeth's face - she was ecstatic of course. After showing us how to wrestle a full size gator as well as his huge snapping jaws in action, we got the chance to hold a gator in our arms - unfortunately the photos are on Liz's camera, so you'll have to wait until we get home to see us reluctantly touching the cold soggy skin of one of nature's great predators...
The famous Miami nightlife has also been sampled when we went to its oldest bar - Mac's Club Deuce Bar. Shooting some pool over a couple of cold beers seemed inocuous enough; but it all changed when we sat at the bar. What I thought was a friendly gay couple starting some small talk quickly became what I would call slightly mental. The well-groomed tanned white guy in the vest joined us and told us how much he loved Britain, especially the Pet Shop Boys and Kylie Minogue. He then revealed his girlfriend and mother of his two sons died in a car accident a month ago and he was here to get over it. We also found out they had split a few months before that as he thought he might be gay. Heavy going to say the least, and we obviously felt sorry for him.
Then the black guy he was previously sitting with introduced himself as a local Miami TV personality and showed us a photo of his young son. It was this point that the white guy (I can't remember their names right now) whispered to us he thinks this black guy is gay and that he didn't want to have bum sex with him. So this black guy who has heard the white guy's story wants to keep him company and make sure he's ok, while the white guy is shouting he doesn't want bum sex with him. Oh, and asking a friendly middle-aged woman at the bar whether she's a tranny, while fondling her friend's breasts.
I hope they all survived the night but I have no idea as we scarpered the first time they were distracted.
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