We're going to Miami, oh ey ye oh yami yami

We arrived in Miami to a thunderstorm but we needn't have worried, it's not called the Sunshine State for nothing. The beach is amazing - white sand, clear water and a disproportionate amount of fake breasts. This really is a home for poseurs - whether it's the stores full of diamante-studded clothing, wearing ridiculously high heels during the day or carrying little snappy dogs (men and women).

In our first couple of days, we've visited Little Havana, home of the Cuban population here. I'm not sure what their former leader would make of the 'Burn in Hell Fidel' hot sauce on sale there. The fried rice and plantains are delicious though, and you don't have far to go to find huge cigars (I'm not convinced they were rolled on the thighs of a virgin; maybe by the sweaty guys playing dominoes in the store?).

We also took a trip to the Everglades; more specifically Gator Park. After a trip on the famous Airboats (just like Del Boy and Rodney did in the 'Miami Twice' episode) where you get up close to the birds and even gators, we got even closer to the alligators when we sat in the front row of their 'wildlife show'. A mad pirate guy dragged a slimy baby gator all over Elizabeth's face - she was ecstatic of course. After showing us how to wrestle a full size gator as well as his huge snapping jaws in action, we got the chance to hold a gator in our arms - unfortunately the photos are on Liz's camera, so you'll have to wait until we get home to see us reluctantly touching the cold soggy skin of one of nature's great predators...

The famous Miami nightlife has also been sampled when we went to its oldest bar - Mac's Club Deuce Bar. Shooting some pool over a couple of cold beers seemed inocuous enough; but it all changed when we sat at the bar. What I thought was a friendly gay couple starting some small talk quickly became what I would call slightly mental. The well-groomed tanned white guy in the vest joined us and told us how much he loved Britain, especially the Pet Shop Boys and Kylie Minogue. He then revealed his girlfriend and mother of his two sons died in a car accident a month ago and he was here to get over it. We also found out they had split a few months before that as he thought he might be gay. Heavy going to say the least, and we obviously felt sorry for him.

Then the black guy he was previously sitting with introduced himself as a local Miami TV personality and showed us a photo of his young son. It was this point that the white guy (I can't remember their names right now) whispered to us he thinks this black guy is gay and that he didn't want to have bum sex with him. So this black guy who has heard the white guy's story wants to keep him company and make sure he's ok, while the white guy is shouting he doesn't want bum sex with him. Oh, and asking a friendly middle-aged woman at the bar whether she's a tranny, while fondling her friend's breasts.

I hope they all survived the night but I have no idea as we scarpered the first time they were distracted.

Restaurants, Rapids and Rollercoasters.

A flight down to Florida and we're in Orlando - well, technically outside of the city as we stayed in Theme Park Central: International Drive. If you like all-you-can-eat buffets, people dressed as cartoon characters and queueing for half an hour for a minute-long thrill, you're in the right place. Luckily these are things I enjoy.

My favourite day was of course my birthday - April 16th if you need to update your diary for next year. The lovely Liz woke me up with great presents, cards from my family (which was a nice surprise) and a chocolate muffin with candles in it. It was then time to complete over 15 years of waiting: finally I could go to a waterpark. Since I visited one as a child, I have been desperate to go again - and I got my chance at 'Wet n Wild'. It lived up to expectations; I got to enjoy Elizabeth's screams on the Black Hole, surfed the wave pool and took on the near-vertical Bomb Bay slide. It's pretty scary falling through a trap door onto a 100 foot steep slope. Luckily I was rewarded with a Chicago deep dish pizza for my birthday dinner...

As for the rest of our week, you probably already know if you would like Orlando or not. Universal's speciality is the attraction/show, like the amazing Simpsons ride (which feels like you're on a wild coaster but you actually stay in one room) and fun Fear Factor Live show. Islands of Adventure is best for rides like the Popeye rapids and Dudley-Do-Right falls which soaked us so much we might as well have been at the waterpark and the Incredible Hulk coaster with its 360 turns and high speeds. What made it even better was Liz keeping her eyes open and refraining from just counting how long the ride lasts. Seaworld is a weird mix of rides and wildlife - seeing killer whales leap out of the water in synchronised movement and the chance to get close to polar bears, beluga whales and manatees is unique. Aquatica gave me the chance to go to another waterpark; while less extreme, it was probably more fun than Wet n Wild with plenty of group rides.

Other than that - there's more 'British pubs' here than in your local high street, more Northerners than you can shake a deep-fried Mars bar at and more buffets than you can throw up at. Incidentally, some buffets have been renamed all-you-care-to-eat buffets, presumably because all-you-can-eat sounds like a challenge. And believe me, we've seen a few people who have taken that challenge.

A&E in DC

We're off to Orlando tomorrow for theme park mecca so here's a quick blog entry on the nation's capital. First off, we're in a dorm again in a very strange hostel. Most of these places are full of young backpackers travelling around like us. The major demographic here is old people (and I mean elderly) and the French. We shared our dorm on the first night with an ample-bottomed French girl (on a side note, we have seen some huge arses here. Some normal sized women have backsides so large I worry that if they sit down, they may never get up again due to rolling. Oh, and I do realise this is the kettle calling the pot fat-arsed). Anyway, Mademoiselle Derriere came in at 3am and turned on the light for ten minutes. Typical. But the weirdest person here is an old man in braces who talks to himself in a variety of different languages. There's nothing about getting the fear from a hairy-backed ogre when he's in the shower at the same time. Anyway, DC is the home of monuments and museums - we've seen the White House, Capitol, some moving war memorials, Colin Powell giving a speech, the Lincoln/FDR/Jefferson monuments, Kermit the frog, Muhammed Ali's Rumble in the Jungle gloves, the Apollo module that took Armstrong, Aldrin and the other one to the Moon, the original Constitution, the fastest plane ever, the Star Spangled Banner, a buffalo sandwich and the Wright brothers' original flyer. But that old hairy bloke in the braces will stay with me forever.

ADRIAN!

Aaron back on blogging duty here. Next up was Philadelphia, where we spent 2 nights in a dorm for the first time. Now Philly is of course the birthplace of the United States (and the Fresh Prince) so did we check out the history as soon as we got there? No, we went to the Museum of Art to run up the steps like Rocky. They even have his statue from Rocky 3 at the bottom. By the way, we weren't the only ones - in fact, there were probably 100 people doing it while we were there, and about 1 who actually wanted to look at art. That night, we went on a fun pub crawl with other hostel guests. All nationalities mixing through the international language of alcohol (although the drinking games were hard to explain without a translator)... A couple of hours of sleep later and we decided to see the sights such as the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. Unfortunately our guide was duller than James Blunt, Katie Melua and Snow Patrol put together. After he declared he'd been doing his job for 30 years, the crowd applauded; I'm sure it was because they were amazed he hadn't been sacked. In the evening, we sampled the infamous Philly Cheesesteak in Jim's Steaks. Dripping in gooey cheese, full of greasy meat, packed into a bun - an artery-blocking masterpiece of a dish. We then checked out a cool bar called Raven Lounge where we played Connect 4 over a few beers (if Kanye West does it, so can we) before going to Helium Comedy Club. After some top support acts, we got the chance to see JB Smoove, best known for his role as Leon in Curb Your Enthusiasm's Black family. Although he didn't threaten to 'get up in anyone's ass', it was definitely an experience...

New York, New York (Part 3)

After such good weather, we were back to the rain that seems to have followed us from Britain and inflict itself on us every few days! So we decide to stroll down 5th Avenue for a bit of window shopping, and spend way too long drooling over the new iPhones. Afterwards we headed to a comedy night at Crash Mansion on the lower East side, which featured some great musical comedians (musicedians?). We also checked out Brooklyn Bridge, went shopping in South Street Seaport and had great wonton soup in Chinatown's Bo Ky, which looked like the kind of place the old man from Gremlins would frequent. On our last day, we queued for hours to visit the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island - although it was well worth the wait. The view from Liberty Island of the Manhattan skyline is great and Ellis Island is pretty interesting, especially if you can trace your roots. We also checked out the World Trade Center site, which currently looks like a building site but the Freedom Tower and memorial plans look very impressive. All in all, I don't feel we did half the things we wanted to do in NY but that's the beauty of it - there's always our next trip...

New York, New York (Part 2)

Sunday was so sunny, so we spent the day strolling around Central Park. Aaron got his revenge from our last Checkers game in a game longer than time itself, as we joined the old men at the tables. We also went for a ramble through the woods and took in the great view from the top of Belvedere Castle. A bus ride up the upper east side and we were enjoying a huge milkshake in Tom's Restaurant, which is the coffee shop in my new favourite show Seinfeld! As the day was so clear, we went to the 'top of the rock', i.e. the Rockefeller Center, to get the best view of New York. It was fantastic, Empire State Building looked massive (although I was disappointed no gorillas were climbing it that day) and you could see for miles! Oh, and the funniest thing happened, some guy trying to sell us stuff genuinely thought Aaron was my father! Now either I look 12 or Aaron looks 50! And do other people see us and think my 'father' is rather too touchy-feely with me?! After that, we were lucky enough to go to eat at Lombardi's, the oldest pizza place in NY. And it tastes the best too...

New York, New York (Part 1)

Despite the name at the bottom of the entry, this is written by Liz: I LOVE New York! I love the fact that you can do anything and everything any time, day or night. A bit like London, I like the mix of old and new buildings, and everywhere you walk feels like a film set. That said, the reputation of New Yorkers being a teensy bit brash seems to be true - as evidenced by the dragon our hostel employed as a receptionist. Anyway, our hostel was in a great location to get around Manhattan - Chelsea, not only the name of a horrible football team but a neighbourhood gayer than Julian Clary sitting on a Christmas tree. Anyway, on the first day, we couldn't check in until the afternoon so Aaron managed to watch his football in a pub called Nevada Smith's, home to the New York branch of Arsenal America. It was the randomest bunch of people - some American male cheerleaders who lead every Arsenal song (but don't know who Liam Brady is), British lads who look like extras from 'This Is England' and one poor Man City fan on holiday. After non-stop chanting and pints of Guinness at ten in the morning (after failing to sleep on the Megabus), we headed to the famous Katz Deli which is where Harry Met Sally for some delicious chicken noodle soup! Times Square is the equivalent of Leicester Square, although 10 times bigger and with a million more photosnapping tourists - we tried to avoid it for the rest of our stay...

The Falls Came Tumbling Down...

We're just about to leave New York so here's a quick blog entry about Niagara Falls as I try to catch up. If you're thinking of going there anytime soon, don't. It's only worthwhile going in summer when things are actually open. Also on the American side, there's nothing to do and not much more other than gaudy tourist holes on the Canadian side. While I'm at it, the Falls themselves aren't that amazing. Impressive sure, but after seeing the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, etc., we were expecting something bigger. Maybe we've been spoilt on this trip. The rainbow coming out of the Falls is a nice touch though. Anyway, we spent the evening in Buffalo eating their famed chicken wings before another overnight bus to New York - which is great of course, and we'll write about it next time...

I almost forgot...

By the way, we went from sweltering heat in the South to this in Chicago. It's pretty cold there, although not that windy.

Sweet Home Chicago.

10 hours overnight on a Megabus is no way to start a week in Chicago - but it's so great there it didn't matter. We celebrated Elizabeth's birthday while there - we started at the Shedd Aquarium, which has a coral reef, sharks, kids shouting 'look, it's Nemo!' and some strange creatures I'd never seen before. We then got amazing views of the city at the John Hancock Center before we went to see the world-famous Second City comedy show (where Bill Murray, John Belushi, Steve Carrell and Tina Fey started). We saw some great sketches as well as amazing improv - look out for Tim Robinson in 5 years time! While in Chi-Town, we also saw the T-Rex at the Natural History Museum, ate 'cheezborgers' at the Billy Goat Tavern, induced heart disease eating deep dish pizza pie at Giordiano's and found the silver bean sculpture in the park Barack Obama celebrated being made president. But before we left, we went to watch The Jerry Springer Show live. As you can see above, we met the show's on-stage security guard - unfortunately the old security guy Steve has left to host his own show, counselling the victims of domestic abuse. Anyway, it's even more bizarre in real life - we were sat next to a mannerquin with a rotating head, and constantly wondering (hoping?) that these people were actors. All the regulars were there- hillbillies getting drunk on moonshine, a woman's wig getting pulled off and plenty of fights. And at the end, a fat guy with a pair of E cups ran onto the stage and showed us his ass. So he could win some beads. Only in America folks.

Walking in Memphis.

Unfortunately, we've had no internet access for a while, and even here I have to write this on my tiny mobile phone, so it shall be short! Anyway, we went to the home of Rock n Roll - Memphis, Tennessee - and saw Graceland. We have a whole new appreciation for Elvis' music - if not his decor. The 'Jungle Room' has green shag-pile on the ceiling and he has his own logo on the walls. He even has two planes! We also went to the great Stax museum, where we saw Issac Hayes' gold Cadillac and we've been listening to Otis Redding ever since. We even saw the site of Martin Luther King's assassination at the National Civil Rights Museum, listened to live Blues and tasted delicious pulled pork before our 10 hour overnight journey to Chicago...